Jury Awards Flo Rida $82 Million After Listening To His Slappers In Court

Flo Rida sent Celcius, the ultra-popular energy drink company's heads spinning riiiight round yesterday after a jury (obviously packed with absolute stallions) ruled in his favor over a breach of contract suit he filed in May of 2021 and awarded him $82 million in damages. Essentially, the rapper who's been giving us club bangers since back when I was in fifth grade playing on the dust house hockey team my dad coached, entered into an incredibly vague contract with Celcius that promised part ownership if ambiguous goals were reached. The jury found that not only was Celcius aware of Flo Rida reaching their agreed upon number of sales, but that they fraudulently concealed that information as well.

What I find most absurd/hilarious is that he initially only sued for $30,000 in damages, but after listening to straight Flo Rida bangers for an hour, the jury upped his compensation 2733-fold. No joke this trial was like nothing I've ever seen. No arguing about whether it was Amber Heard or her dogs that dropped a deuce on Captain Jack's bed. No contenion between Britney and her D-bag father. Just good fucking vibes, as the courtroom turned into a goddam nightclub when Flo took the stand. I swear it was like how Oliver's is about to be tonight: good goddam music and heads BOPPING.

A fat round of applause has gotta be given up for the court recorder, who to this day is the only woman I have ever witnessed hear the words "apple bottom jeans" and not immediately yell out "boots with the fur" before getting low (low, low, low). She must be deaf or something to not even nod her head ONCE to the legendary tracks being played to the jury. I'm confident (almost as confident as I am taking the over in the Bs/Rangers game tonight) that if her ears worked she'd be throwing it back as well.

My favorite part of the whole thing is the shit eating grin that never leave's Flo's face. He's up there vibing to the songs that put him on the map, mouthing along the lyrics, bopping his head, and grinning from ear to ear. He knew regardless of the outcome he was about to rake in some massive cheddar. Everytime his songs are played on Spotify or in a commerical, Flo Rida makes fractions of a penny. But when they're played in court for the entire nation to hear, he banks millions.

And just when things seemed like they couldn't get any better, my man strolls up to podium at his victory press conference, takes a fat swig of Celcius, then proceeds to thank people like he's Justin Bieber accepting the Top Male Artist trophy at the BMAs. What an absolute legend.

To be honest I find it quite appalling that with all of his bangers, Flo Rida is 0-22 on music awards (per Will Burge of Barstool Sports). I'm aware nobody says "Yooo put this gas Flo Rida song on" in the car but at the same time I don't know a single fucking person that would turn one off if it came on either.

Flo Rida songs just give off a different kinda vibe. They're the type of songs you can bop to at both a rager AND a wedding. Like cmon "Low" is guaranteed to get gram gram up outta her wheelchair and onto the dance floor making all the single geriatric men look back at it.

All in all, I'm just glad some stud in the jury was familiar with the final scene in The Hangover (you know the one I'm talking about). "Right Round" comes on as the photo montage starts. Fucking classic. Go watch if you haven't and bump some Flo Rida today because we smokin that Celcius pack now baby.